I think Ambrose Bierce started this with his "Devil's Dictionary." It's easy to get carried away with this theme!
alive – temporarily metabolically abled.
American – a person of coltish enthusiasm who believes a great many lofty and noble things (e.g., freedom, human rights, the rule of law), but knows nothing about any of them.
bald – folically independent.
bisexual prostitute – equal opportunity prostitute; “switch-hitting” sex care provider.
bombing, civilian – aggressive defense; preemptive counterattack; population reassignment.
bribe – public service bonus.
Canadian – a dispirited American with European pretensions.
car washer – vehicular appearance specialist.
chicken farm – gallinaceous Auschwitz.
Christmas – (archaic) Winter Festival.
clumsy – other-coordinated.
command economy – responsible governance.
conservative – someone whose pious spoutings are justified by reference to an unprovable past; someone who advocates capital consumption on a responsible, piecemeal basis or on the installment plan. See “liberal.”
crime rate – street activity index.
criminal – behaviorally challenged valedictorian.
dairy – bovine Auschwitz.
dead – environmentally correct human; living impaired; metabolically challenged; persons coping with entropy.
democracy – a pathetic belief in the collective wisdom of individual ignorance (H.L. Mencken).
dictator – leader who refuses to obey the U.S. government.
dirty old man – sexually focused chronologically gifted individual.
journalist – the sentinel of democracy whose daily vigil ensures that no one of competence or dignity enters public life. See “social media,” “television.”
liberal – someone whose pious spoutings are justified by reference to an unprovable future; someone who advocates capital consumption at a gallop. See “conservative.”
lies – alternative facts.
logical – in denial.
looter, shoplifter – nontraditional shopper.
loser – uniquely-fortuned individual on an alternative career path.
lumberjack – tree butcher; treeslayer.
man-hole – (archaic) street maintenance aperture.
man-hole cover – urban person-hole integument; male buttplug.
man-made – any cheaply artificial affront to nature.
marriage – domestic incarceration; legalized rape.
martial law – enforced “social distancing.”
Mess-Can – (chiefly Southwestern) any Hispanic.
migrant worker – seasonal employee.
old – chronologically gifted.
panhandler – unlicensed applicant for private-sector funding.
pants – article of clothing formerly worm by men in family life.
paper bag – processed tree carcass.
patriot – bigot, typically white.
poet – a neurasthenic who writes endless variations of the following spiritual up-chuck:
Ur-Posey
Man: A ghost inside
A chunk of meat,
Soon to croak.
politician – a neck supporting a pair of buttocks that speak with a most miraculous organ. See “statesman.”
politics – the free-for-all of small groups in forcing the middle class to pay for their privileges.
power – the ability to make others live up to your ideals.
preferential treatment – affirmative action.
pregnant – parasitically opressed.
prostitute – sex care provider.
psychopath – socially misaligned.
quarantine – internment.
racist – anyone who disagrees with the far Left.
ranch – bovine Auschwitz.
redneck – a “person of region”; a genetically parochial Caucasian.
regime – any government that refuses to obey U.S. government.
religion – any unfalsifiable, dogmatic system regarding the afterlife. The supernatural variety enshrines legendary nabobs and rustics as models, e.g., for the family virtues, the models of Abraham and Isaac, Jacob and Esau, Joseph and his brothers, Lot and his daughters, Jephthah and his daughter, etc. The secular variety hallucinates a workers’ paradise where roast partridges fly into hungry mouths, where work is performed at one’s list, and where women pursue menial “careers” while their children are reared by strangers.
rock music – a series of explosions in a sewer, typically detonated in 4/4 time, accompanied by a bacchic dithyramb on an electric six-string phallus symbol.
safety net – any reticulated decussation with sturdy beggars lounging at urban intersections.
serial killer – person with difficult-to-meet needs.
shoplifting – irregular shopping.
social media – “...a market/ Where wisdom sells its freedom/ And melons are crowned by the crowd.” So said the poet Stephen Crane about a century ago in defining ‘newspaper,’ and only the rubric needs updating. Crane continues:
It is feckless life’s chronicle,
A collection of loud tales,
Concentrating eternal stupidities,
That in remote ages lived unhaltered,
Roaming through a fenceless world.
spendthrift – negative saver.
statesman – an unindicted politician. See “politician.”
stoned – chemically inconvenienced.
stupid – differently brained; fact-averse.
tall – afflicted with upwardly heighted bigotry.
television – a talking lamp that features cartoons for children on Saturday mornings and cartoons for putative adults at all other times.
terrorist – freedom fighter.
torture – any application of humane, enhanced interrogation techniques.
vomiting – unplanned re-examination of recent food choices; street pizza.
war – group empowerment organized by the state.
white – melanin impoverished; genetically oppressive.
white trash – a culturally disadvantaged Caucasian, commonly found in trailer parks.
wrong – differently logical.
yuppie – Young Urban Professional; a college graduate with no discernable knowledge or skills, with its representative answering to the colloquial vocative “hey, waitperson/barkeep/barista.”
The devil's bargain, are you going to be a colonizer by moving into a minority dominated neighborhood, or a bigot by moving out of one? Choose wisely...
I think Ambrose Bierce started this with his "Devil's Dictionary." It's easy to get carried away with this theme!
alive – temporarily metabolically abled.
American – a person of coltish enthusiasm who believes a great many lofty and noble things (e.g., freedom, human rights, the rule of law), but knows nothing about any of them.
bald – folically independent.
bisexual prostitute – equal opportunity prostitute; “switch-hitting” sex care provider.
bitchy – empowered.
blackboard – (archaic) chalkboard.
body odor – nondiscretionary fragrance.
bombing – ideological airlift; armed reconnaissance; terrain alteration.
bombing, civilian – aggressive defense; preemptive counterattack; population reassignment.
bribe – public service bonus.
Canadian – a dispirited American with European pretensions.
car washer – vehicular appearance specialist.
chicken farm – gallinaceous Auschwitz.
Christmas – (archaic) Winter Festival.
clumsy – other-coordinated.
command economy – responsible governance.
conservative – someone whose pious spoutings are justified by reference to an unprovable past; someone who advocates capital consumption on a responsible, piecemeal basis or on the installment plan. See “liberal.”
crime rate – street activity index.
criminal – behaviorally challenged valedictorian.
dairy – bovine Auschwitz.
dead – environmentally correct human; living impaired; metabolically challenged; persons coping with entropy.
democracy – a pathetic belief in the collective wisdom of individual ignorance (H.L. Mencken).
dictator – leader who refuses to obey the U.S. government.
dirty old man – sexually focused chronologically gifted individual.
dishonest – ethically questioning; veridically two-spirited.
dogcatcher – animal welfare officer.
drunk – chemically inconvenienced; spacially perplexed person.
explosion – an energetic disassembly.
ex-wife, ex-husband, ex-boyfriend, ex-girlfriend – insignificant other.
failure – deficiency achievement; non-traditional success.
fascist – someone who disagrees with the far Left.
fat; obese; overweight – gravitationally challenged; person of substance; metabolic overachiever.
fishing – raping the planet’s oceans, rivers, and lakes.
Frenchman – a sanguine gourmandizer who cultivates politeness as a social prophylactic, out of a profound distrust of his fellow man.
freshman makeup courses – advanced readiness seminars.
gas station attendant – petroleum transfer technician.
-gate – a suffix attached to any incident desired to be labeled as a political embarrassment.
geek; nerd – socially challenged person with technical pretenses.
homeless – outdoor urban campers; residentially flexible persons.
ignorant – factually liberated opinion-mongers.
insane – reality challenged.
insult – microaggressive rape.
Jew down – to negotiate.
journalist – the sentinel of democracy whose daily vigil ensures that no one of competence or dignity enters public life. See “social media,” “television.”
lazy – motivationally deficient; horizontally gifted.
liberal – someone whose pious spoutings are justified by reference to an unprovable future; someone who advocates capital consumption at a gallop. See “conservative.”
lies – alternative facts.
logical – in denial.
looter, shoplifter – nontraditional shopper.
loser – uniquely-fortuned individual on an alternative career path.
lumberjack – tree butcher; treeslayer.
man-hole – (archaic) street maintenance aperture.
man-hole cover – urban person-hole integument; male buttplug.
man-made – any cheaply artificial affront to nature.
marriage – domestic incarceration; legalized rape.
martial law – enforced “social distancing.”
Mess-Can – (chiefly Southwestern) any Hispanic.
migrant worker – seasonal employee.
old – chronologically gifted.
panhandler – unlicensed applicant for private-sector funding.
pants – article of clothing formerly worm by men in family life.
paper bag – processed tree carcass.
patriot – bigot, typically white.
poet – a neurasthenic who writes endless variations of the following spiritual up-chuck:
Ur-Posey
Man: A ghost inside
A chunk of meat,
Soon to croak.
politician – a neck supporting a pair of buttocks that speak with a most miraculous organ. See “statesman.”
politics – the free-for-all of small groups in forcing the middle class to pay for their privileges.
poor – economically marginalized; financially inept; monetarily challenged.
power – the ability to make others live up to your ideals.
preferential treatment – affirmative action.
pregnant – parasitically opressed.
prostitute – sex care provider.
psychopath – socially misaligned.
quarantine – internment.
racist – anyone who disagrees with the far Left.
ranch – bovine Auschwitz.
redneck – a “person of region”; a genetically parochial Caucasian.
regime – any government that refuses to obey U.S. government.
religion – any unfalsifiable, dogmatic system regarding the afterlife. The supernatural variety enshrines legendary nabobs and rustics as models, e.g., for the family virtues, the models of Abraham and Isaac, Jacob and Esau, Joseph and his brothers, Lot and his daughters, Jephthah and his daughter, etc. The secular variety hallucinates a workers’ paradise where roast partridges fly into hungry mouths, where work is performed at one’s list, and where women pursue menial “careers” while their children are reared by strangers.
riot – (left wing) largely peaceful protest; (right wing) fascist, democracy-hating insurrection.
robbery – improvised distributive justice.
rock music – a series of explosions in a sewer, typically detonated in 4/4 time, accompanied by a bacchic dithyramb on an electric six-string phallus symbol.
safety net – any reticulated decussation with sturdy beggars lounging at urban intersections.
serial killer – person with difficult-to-meet needs.
shoplifting – irregular shopping.
social media – “...a market/ Where wisdom sells its freedom/ And melons are crowned by the crowd.” So said the poet Stephen Crane about a century ago in defining ‘newspaper,’ and only the rubric needs updating. Crane continues:
It is feckless life’s chronicle,
A collection of loud tales,
Concentrating eternal stupidities,
That in remote ages lived unhaltered,
Roaming through a fenceless world.
spendthrift – negative saver.
statesman – an unindicted politician. See “politician.”
stoned – chemically inconvenienced.
stupid – differently brained; fact-averse.
tall – afflicted with upwardly heighted bigotry.
television – a talking lamp that features cartoons for children on Saturday mornings and cartoons for putative adults at all other times.
terrorist – freedom fighter.
torture – any application of humane, enhanced interrogation techniques.
ugly – aesthetically challenged; cosmetically different; facially challenged.
unemployed – economically inactive; indefinitely leisured; vocationally deprived.
vomiting – unplanned re-examination of recent food choices; street pizza.
war – group empowerment organized by the state.
white – melanin impoverished; genetically oppressive.
white trash – a culturally disadvantaged Caucasian, commonly found in trailer parks.
wrong – differently logical.
yuppie – Young Urban Professional; a college graduate with no discernable knowledge or skills, with its representative answering to the colloquial vocative “hey, waitperson/barkeep/barista.”
At some point in the past, I would have resented your definition of "American." In more recent years, I have come to understand its truth.
Euphemism - factually accurate term to speak ‘truth’ to power
Social justice warrior - expert euphemizer
The devil's bargain, are you going to be a colonizer by moving into a minority dominated neighborhood, or a bigot by moving out of one? Choose wisely...
Best dictionary ever. Love it!
Social justice is a joke. F***k your pronouns!
Wow! Thank you!!!